Building Donor Trust Through Tone

I met with a potential donor for the first time recently. We’d exchanged emails, I’d convinced her that I wasn’t going to ask for money, there was no pitch involved, it was to be just a simple visit over coffee to get acquainted.  

The meeting was going well. We hit it off from the start and soon we were trading stories about being on campus back in the day. Memories of professors we had in common, basketball and football games – thing were going great.  

After about 30 minutes, she leaned forward a bit and said, “I feel really comfortable talking to you.” 

Paydirt! We’d made an emotional connection. Then she followed up with, “you give off a grandpa vibe.” 

My ego hit ground and started to dig. I am, in fact, a grandfather, but there’s still something about being told that I sound or look like someone’s grandpa that just kind of hurt. I managed to smile and thank her, because I could tell she meant it as a compliment. 

My bruised ego aside, the meeting was a great success because we had made that emotional connection. She felt good about talking with me. Seeds of trust had been planted. She confided that she had been thinking of including the university in her estate plans but didn’t know what that might look like. We finished with a good discussion of planned giving and the forms it can take. 

All of this was made possible by the tone that we set at the beginning. She knew there was no ask for money and the way the meeting went proved to her that I meant what I said. We started on the foundation of two alumni meeting to catch up. 

Tone is critical in a planned giving discussion. Legacy gifts are emotional gifts. Planned giving donors give because they feel an attachment to the institution, the program, or the cause they want to support. In meeting with planned giving donors, the PG officer must set the tone from the beginning and maintain that tone throughout. 

If the donor senses a change in tone, such as the discussion suddenly becomes transactional rather than emotional, he is likely to close off further discussion. The meeting might go on, but the donor’s body language can signal that it’s really over. 

Planned giving development officers, especially if they wear two hats, one as a major gifts officer and one as a planned giving officer, need to keep the critical distinction between the tone used for the different potential donors in mind. 

The tonal difference between planned and major gifts: 

Planned Gifts	Major Gifts
Legacy	Impact
Vision	Immediacy
Values	Specific project
Heritage	Transformation
Memories	Commitment

Having the correct tone is like “reading the room” before you even enter the room. Just as you wouldn’t go into a funeral backslapping everyone in the chapel boisterously, neither should you go into a planned giving discussion talking excitedly about the new stadium project.